The Two Month Mark

Exactly two months from today, in just eight weeks, I will be leaving Panzhihua, my home for the past two years.  Outside my window, birds chirp as thunder threatens, all else quiet for the xiuxi (rest) hour.  The storm reflects my own feelings, a swirling mix of emotions.  I've lived abroad and elsewhere before, have experienced life within various cultures and people, and I can't count how many times I've cried as I've had to say goodbye.  This, however, is different.  

As the rain starts to fall, hitting the metal sheeting above everyone's windows, enhancing the music of the elements, I think of my life here.   A life that I love.  

The other day after class, I walked past a worker at the school mowing the grass.  The scent of fresh cut grass wafted to my nose as the buzz of the engine filled my ears.  Within seconds I was back home on the mower, the wind catching grass clippings and throwing them into the air like confetti, forcing me to close my eyes briefly as it covered me.  I closed my eyes and fell back into the moment, enjoying being home, if even for a second.  

Everyone talks about readjusting to life in America, the reverse culture shock that oftentimes gets ignored or forgotten about.  Being overwhelmed in a grocery store or breaking into sobs for no apparent reason being just some of the stories that are told to help us understand how big of a change it all is.  

I'm excited to go back.  Thrilled beyond a doubt to wake up and hug each member of my family with the start of a new day.  To drive.  Oh, to put on my music and drive through the countryside, windows down, singing to music.    To have a portabello mushroom with feta cheese and garlic sandwich.  To sit in a theater and watch a movie.  Go out to a wine bar.  Walk around barefoot on the lawn.  It's the small things and the everyday moments with my loved ones that I miss and am so anxious to get back to.

Yet, as I think about leaving China, the rain pouring harder now, tears coming to my eyes, I shake my head at the thought of leaving.  It is suddenly so near when it used to feel like I had so much time.  When I think about everything I'm leaving, students, friends, family, I get overwhelmed and shake my head some more, as if trying to convince myself that it isn't for real.  

All to soon, when I am back in Illinois, I will be having the same moments of China.  Something will catch me and hold me in my place, transporting me back here to everyone and everything I love.  

To feel so excited and happy and at the same time just as terribly sad is utterly confusing and hard.  And as the rain lessens and the sun tries to breakthrough the clouds, I smile because this is China.  

Through the Curve

This morning I woke up early and was able to get stuff done, which made me feel good. The feeling didn't last long. My phone rang just as my watch had turned eight and on the other end was one of my monitors (a student in charge of his/her class) saying that their class had started. Since the first session has always begun at eight-twenty, I was rather confused. He said it again and being confused even more, I thought he had said they had another class. What?! He explained yet again, saying that the school had changed the schedule.

At school I ran up the stairs and made it to the classroom. Once I could talk without taking in gasps of air, I asked about the schedule. The students then shared that it had been a school-wide change which had been decided before the break and, apparently, someone had forgotten to mention this.

After class I went to the waiban (foreign affairs) to say hello to everyone. Once there, Jenny slyly said that she had a surprise for me - she's been accepted into a university in Austria to get her masters! On top of that, she'll be starting this September. I was so excited and happy for her, that I have her a huge hug. I can't believe she will be living abroad and am so excited for her! Then Cable, another lady in the office, said that she was accepted to study in another province for her degree. Talk about good news!

When I had been filled in by everyone on all the details of their news, I crossed the hall into Jennifer's office to catch up with her. We asked about each other's holiday, talked about Chen Lan (Sara) coming back from America, and then my brother's visit and my leaving. Suddenly, there was tearing up from across the desk. I got up, rounded the desk to Jennifer and gave her a hug, joking that she had to stop because it was too early for that and if I started I wouldn't be able to stop. It touched my heart and I suddenly began to realize just how big my leaving would be.

On the walk home I felt like everything was different from before. I felt like I'd been going down the same path for the past two years, and having rounded a corner in a road, suddenly everything was totally changed and there was no looking back, not even a glance being possible. From a friend moving to Austria to my service coming to a close, even right down to the school schedule changing, everything seemed to have morphed into something else, leaving me confused as I tried to remember just what was.