The Call Is Louder

Burma, today, is now only two months away for me. As my days dwindle and I try to stay on top of news from around the world (I could spend all day, every day reading), nervousness sets in at the realization of what Burma is and of what my new life will be like, especially after the cyclone. Sure, there is a part of me, the Peace Corps hardcore part, that is stoked that I'm going, the adventurist wanting to cut grooves into an imaginary walking stick to show my unwavering hands and spirit as I face another challenging life chapter.

But, admittedly and ever so fearful of how much so, I'm nervous, maybe even daunted to the extent of being just a little scared. Not scared for my life or anything so extreme, but for my ideas and for things I'm used to doing without giving it any thought. It's hard to talk about, this fear, with those I love, as not wanting to make them nervous or worried for me is now one of my main concerns. I know, my being and self, has faith and feels throughout my core that I will be alright, but the reading of the Times and other such resources make it difficult to put on the shelf, difficult to hide from those concerned voices.

And then there is the frustration at the knowledge of the fact that as soon as I apply for my visa I'll get it, a teacher, whereas so many that are needed, the aid workers and such, are only now, but ever so slowly, being allowed in. This fact is not lost on me, not in the slightest. With the death toll anywhere from 68,8333 to 127,990, numbers found by compiling information from twenty different organizations including the Red Cross, it makes me wish I were more, causing me to rethink my idea of getting a second degree in nursing, something I've fantasized about for years off and on.

Now, with yet another article read, there is a pride for a people I do not yet know, as the monks are becoming the heroes of the tragic story, causing citizens to reach out to them instead of the controlling hand that wants to be called the mother to all, yet is unwilling to go to any and all lengths for it's children.

I can barely imagine this life I'll be sharing all so soon with so many over crackling lines and e-mails that leave me nervous after hitting send.