30 Days

One month till departure and the range of emotions is immense, encapsulating everything from extreme excitement to the despairing sadness of missing. Mostly it is still all rather surreal. It was just a week ago that I started having reminder attacks, similar to the panic kind in on slot, but that of the realization of yet another life change. It will hit out of nowhere and suddenly feel real, like a dream you wake from, knew you had lived another life between hitting the pillow and waking up, then moments later to be left with only feelings, the memory of the dream completely gone.

I mean, I still have moments of "I haven't done this since China," the phrase I used for the umpteenth time yesterday, one of only a handful from the weekend.

I've started preparing despite the disbelief, the purchasing of food items that can't be bought in Burma (Annie's salad dressing, dried refried beans, etc), clothes that are respectful of culture yet allow for me to be cool despite the sweat that I know will roll down my body, and finally sending my visa application only to be called back by the Embassy and told that they don't except personal checks. I knew I had missed something!

And now I will have moments of another kind, "This will be the last time I...," last hugs and laughs, secret jokes and shared smiling eyes of knowing being the most precious.